As January draws to a close I’ve been reflecting on what January means. Growing up in South Africa January meant the preparation for the new academic year – new uniform, new stationery, new books as well as being the start of the calendar year. It was the middle of summer so January, while long in some respects, didn’t feel quite as dire as it does living in the Northern Hemisphere. Here it’s the height of winter – dark, cold and miserable.

And of course January now is the month in which I attempted to leave this world back in 2018. 2024 marks the 6 year anniversary of my failed suicide attempt.

Anniversaries are funny things really. They have the power to bring great joy – think birthdays or weddings and at the same time great sadness and at time’s traumatic responses – think the passing of a loved one or beloved pet, the ending of a relationship.

Many of us get trapped in the cycle of reliving past trauma around anniversaries without even realising it’s happening because while we may not consciously remember what happened our bodies and nervous systems do. This is where self awareness and understanding of the mind body connection is key to recovery and rewiring the brain to help file those memories in the right place, regulate the emotions that have been suppressed or ignored or just plain not understood and allow the nervous system to learn that it is in fact safe now, is so important. Having a therapist alongside is incredibly helpful, although I do understand that this is not always feasible for a variety of reasons.

For me the anniversary of my suicide attempt helps remind me how far I’ve come in the 6 years since. I’ve worked so hard to break patterns and learn who I am outside of the overwhelming responsibilities that I had taken on even though they weren’t really mine to have. I’ve made the really tough choices of not having contact with my family of origin. Being consciously aware that I am a cycle breaker has helped spur me on because I don’t want to be the cause of irreparable harm to others if I can help it. Don’t get me wrong I’m still going to and have messed up and hurt people, but as I work through my own trauma triggers I hope that I am able to take responsibility for my own actions, apologise when needed and model for others that it’s ok to not be ok, to make mistakes and to grow.

The older I get the more I know I don’t want to continue the toxic traits of my origin family. That however means having to find a new tribe, my chosen tribe. The tribe that the old adage references “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb”. I do find myself struggling at times as most of my life I’ve been on my own and had to rely on myself to get through things and that makes trusting people hard. My therapist is great at calling me out on it and holding up the mirror to me. And I am getting better at allowing myself to be vulnerable, asking for and accepting help.

2024 also started really well for me. The weekend of my suicide anniversary I passed my Level 3 – Pilates mat work diploma and the following week got notification that I have secured a new flat so I’ll be moving in early March 2024. What a great way to celebrate still being here right?!?

So as I continue my journey into 2024 and beyond I will continue the work and hopefully keep inspiring people along the way.