I’ve had a few conversations recently about having social anxiety and the common theme is “But you don’t seem anxious” and “How does Amani (my service cat) help”.

Let’s knock the stereo type on the head

Social anxiety is the fear of social situations or talking to people. When you think of someone with social anxiety you probably picture someone shy and timid. While yes some people will be shy and timid others like me will appear confident and bold.

Social anxiety can be crippling because even though, like me, people may actually like to socialise there are many things that cause the anxiety to rear its ugly head. For me that fear is around things like:

1. Is my body going to stop working like it should?
2. Am I going to fall and therefore make a fool of myself?
3. Am I going to get overwhelmed by noise, music, lights and freak out?
4. Are people going to judge me?
5. Will I fit in?
6. What if I say the wrong thing or upset someone?

To name just a few.

The thing is I love being with people. I love chatting and hearing stories and learning different things. And I love sharing my story so others can see that a life after attempted suicide or fibromyalgia diagnosis is possible. And in my life before fibromyalgia I was a real social butterfly. In the last 4 years though especially after shielding through Locked Down 1.0 the sheer thought of going anywhere terrified me.

So, if you meet someone who tells you they do or have struggled with social anxiety as much as you mean well please be mindful of how you react.

So where does Amani fit into this?

Amani is a very special cat. She arrived in my life on June 7th, 2020 and boy has she changed my life. Amani offers me emotional support and helps me to regulate andground when the anxiety starts. Amani is so in tune with me that even before I head into a spiral she’s meowing or pawing at me. You see our primal brains and our central nervous system cannot tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived one. Or to illustrate: the danger posed by a sabre tooth tiger in our cave (real threat to life) or a stressful email from a nagging boss (not a threat to life but our brain will still perceive danger).

By me just stroking Amani brings me into the present moment and allows my fight or flight response to go offline and so I go back into a feeling of being safe.

In one of the conversations I alluded to at the beginning of this post i was sharing about my suicide attempt back in 2018 and how far I’ve come. Amani was asleep next to me but woke, had a big stretch and subtly pressed her paw into my thigh. Just that small action from her reminded me that I was safe, the “danger” of what I’d been through had passed and to breathe. And the person I was talking to noticed it to.

But not only that, she is a great conversation starter and for me who loves talking to people it has been a great way of meeting new people and of course being able to go out on my own.

How do you help your friends or family?

Firstly, ask them. They will have strategies that work for them. If you’re going somewhere new check in with them, ask them what you can do to support them before during and after the visit. Do they need you to be with them for the journey? Do you meet inside or outside? Once there, help them feel safe. A table or area with good visibility or sheltered away from lots of light and excessive noise. There will be things individual to each person to consider so be mindful of that. And sometimes we will forget something so having a friend who knows how we struggle and thinks about things for us is appreciated more than you will ever know.

And if you ever want to know more about my strategies feel free to comment or drop me line